UGH

I desperately wish I could be one of those disciplined "gym above all else - no excuses" kind of peeps and while I truly am WAY WAY more disciplined than I ever thought I could or would be (each time my feet take me to the gym I'm kind of surprised) I'm still not at the Beyonce "go three days without eating because you were so determined to learn a routine" dedication level.
This time last year I was kicking SERIOUS ass and taking names with no mercy. I was a lioness with a gazelle in my crosshairs. I got down to 142 pounds and I was all buff and happy.
Somewhere along the way (I think it was the summer with the kids being home but at this point using the summer and my inability to get to the gym because of the kids is like my telling people I'm fat because I still have baby weight when my kids are 10 and 12) my train flew off the tracks and got stuck.
It's not a lack of motivation. I see gals in workout wear going to and from the gym (yes ladies, those of us who actually go to the gym CAN tell the difference between those of you who trot around in workout gear as a fashion statement and us who actually get our sweat on) and I get anxious. It's an actual physical reaction that comes in the form of a knot in my stomach and the feeling that I'm on the outside of a group looking in.
I WANT to be at the gym. I WANT to be a gym unicorn. I WANT sore muscles and to feel like I'm dying and yet... I do not make it to the gym. WHY?! I feel like life has been getting in the way a whole lot lately but, as my husband pointed out to me yesterday if I want it bad enough I'll find a way to make it happen. I had the time to be disciplined last year and it's not like my life has changed that drastically.
I NEED to pull my shit together and get back on track because I'm back in the feeling fat and disliking my body zone and I swore I wouldn't ever get here again. The self loathe and the horrid thoughts and voices that go with that loathe are back in full force.  Getting back on track is at this point, critical both for my physical and mental health.
So here is my promise to me.  I will once again find that balance between being kinder and gentler to myself while employing the "Train insane or remain the same" mindset.
It starts today.