I went to the Doctor today and they forced me onto the scale kicking and screaming. I knew I wasn't going to like what I heard but when she told me what my weight was I almost fainted dead away.
I felt like I'd been hit in the gut and I wanted to cry.
Two years ago at this time I was down to 172 pounds.
The heaviest weight I've ever been was 205.
I'M FIFTEEN FUCKING POUNDS AWAY FROM THAT!!!!!!!!!
After the doctors appt I had to head to the city to get a script that was waiting for me so I took the PATH.
Tonight is some sort of huge fashion world shopping event in NYC and it seems that my train car was just filled with these itty bitty 6 inch heel wearing, overtanned, dressed to the 9s, each one more beautiful than the next women.
I was sandwiched into my seat flanked on one side by a girl wearing the cutest dress that I couldn't fit one thigh into and on the other side was a gal with legs like a giraffe.
I felt like I was backstage at a fashion show. They were all flawless and appeared to have walked off the pages of Vogue.
I sat there, with no makeup on, my hair pulled back in a claw clip, leggings, oversized Alice Cooper Tee, Black Converse sneakers, Disney World zip up hoodie sweatshirt. I could not be more different than these women.
It didn't help that every single man lucky enough to be in this car reminded me of Tex Avery's Wolf.
As the train pulled out of the station, I found my mood growing darker and darker and my self loathing getting more amped up. I felt ugly and fat.
Then I did what I usually do and started to tear these poor gals apart in my head. Ugly shoes, over processed hair, orange tans, bad makeup. Stupid, shallow, vain...
Then that little voice piped up and said:
"Could any of these girls do what you did yesterday?"
Yesterday the kids went back to school and I was able to go to Boot Camp for the first time in 2 months without them.
I went with the energy and focus of a rabid dog.
We always warm up with bands and a run on the loading dock. Lately, I've been walking rather than running but yesterday I decided to try to run. I got two laps before my shins started to scream (I suffer from shin splints) so I walked the last two rounds.
Once we were all done with warmups we started out doing
10 squat jumps
40 jumping jacks
10 cobra stretches
10 squat jumps
60 jumping jacks
20 cobra stretches
I who refuse to do jumping jacks, did all the jumping jacks he asked us to do.
I still hate them & struggled with how uncoordinated they make me feel, how self conscious I get knowing everything is floppin and slappin and flippin and I feel like this. I pushed and did them anyway.
Then the real fun began.
David had us carry every single Kettlebell and tire and dumbell and medicine ball from one side of the studio to the other. Once we were at the other side, we did 2 pushups, 5 squats & 2 burpees.
Without thinking about it I grabbed the two red 32kg bells (70 pounds each) and did the farmers walk with them to the other side of the studio.
Went back, got two of the green 24kg (52 pounds each) did the farmers walk again.
Went back got the two 60 pound cast iron black Kettlebells, walked them to the other side.
Went back and grabbed two tires, carried them over.
Carried over other various Kettlebells but nothing was ever less than 35 pounds.
Last trip was the two 50 pound dumbells.
(Don't forget that in between each carry we were doing all that other stuff too!)
Once we had moved all the equipment from one side to the other, we has to bring it all back to the original spot.
I did the whole thing all over again.
After all that, we did 4 sets of bicycle kicks (40,50,60,80) followed by cobra stretches (10,20,30,40) and inchworms (20,30,40,60) and closed out the class with 80 jumping jacks.
(I grabbed the jump rope rather than doing jumping jacks. It all wiggles and flops just as much with the jump rope but somehow I'm more comfortable with it.)
I carried a total of somewhere around 1000 pounds yesterday with all the weights and Kettlebells. That's some bad ass shit right there. It wasn't a far distance & it wasn't all at once but it doesn't matter.
As I sat between these fashionable waifs I realized that I will NEVER EVER be what they are. I will never be stick thin and will never care about fashion designers or fashion week or who's wearing what or if I should wear white after Labor Day.
In turn however, they will never be able to do what I did yesterday.
I carried all that weight and did 180 jumping jacks, 10 pushups, 60 squats, 230 bicycle kicks, 130 Cobra stretches, & 280 inchworms and still at the end of class grabbed my 45 pound Kettlebell and did 20 overhead presses lying on my back.
I'm strong and getting stronger every single day. I need to rededicate myself to the weight loss and crack down on what I'm eating but I can't ever forget how far I've come and how 2 years ago (the 13th of this month is my 2 year Hoboken Boot Camp anniversary) I couldn't do 5 jumping jacks and thought the 10 pound Kettlebell was too heavy.
Now that the kids are back in school, I can take my bike out again and get more cardio work in. I can take long brisk paced walks in Manhattan & I can take back to back Boot Camp classes.
I will get this weight back off again. I can't beat myself up over it.
I need to always remember how far I've come and never to compare myself with anyone else. I'm not ever going to be anyone else but me.
I left the train feeling much better about myself.