Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Flaws

Yesterday was my first day back to class and it felt really good.
Headed back today but I realized too late that I have no clean pants to wear which gives me an option. Don't go, or wear shorts.

I don't wear shorts thanks to the bulging varicose veins on the back of my right leg. It's the one part of my body that I'm insanely self conscious of. I don't wear skirts or dresses for the same reason.



I put the shorts on the bed and had a whole long conversation with myself as I stared at them.
I pride myself on truly not giving a shit about what folks think of me or my appearance but by the same token I do care what I think.

I don't want to leave the house in something I'm not comfortable in or anything that makes me feel less than 100% confident and not madly in love with myself as I usually am.

These shorts make me feel self conscious and with every step I can feel them and I'm aware of them and I feel much less than pretty. (I never feel ugly because I'm too fantastic to feel ugly)

I own these shorts with an eye to the future. When my legs are in better shape, perhaps then I'll be able to wear them.

That however does not help me today.

So I thought about it and considered my options (not go to class or wear the damn shorts) and I realized I was behaving like a shallow twit and put them on.

I immediately became conscious of my legs and how fat they felt and how bulging the veins felt.

As I walked I felt them riding up as my thighs rubbed together and I felt my mood go from happy to angry.

I sat down at the computer and tried to regroup and get my head right.
To have a piece of spandex fabric crap all over my day was insane and yet, I couldn't help it.
I know some of my dramatic reaction was because I have my period and I'm bloated and crampy and hormonal but these damn shorts were screwing up my day!!!

I wasn't NOT going to go to Boot Camp. Out of the question, not going to happen.
I thought of my best friend and what she would tell me.

She would tell me two things:
 If you have to wear the shorts, fucking own them. Rock them like you have legs like Betty Grable.
(Please tell me you all get this reference and know who she was. Because I KNOW one or two of you young pups won't get it. Here is the Wikipedia on her)

 The second thing she would tell me is if you have to wear something that isn't 100% flattering wear something that you love with it. Something that makes you feel good or makes you happy. Focus on that item of clothing and let that drive your mood.

Even from beyond the grave, she gives me the best advice.

Since I was going to boot camp I wasn't going to get dressed up but grabbed one of my favorite teeshirts.
That's not me just the photo from the website that makes the tee-shirt that I happily own.

My zombie Audrey Hepurn teeshirt. It's so absurd and slightly inappropriate and it always makes me happy.

As an aside, I really don't think the other parents or the teachers quite know what to do with me when I wander into the school with some of my outfits and accessories. 

This shirt gets me some really weird looks but couple it with pigtails (also worn today because they make me happy) and a Hello Kitty purse and I know I confuse more than one or two moms at drop off. 

So I decided to stop thinking so much about it and since I couldn't change it, I'd have to accept it. These shorts were what I was wearing today.  

On the walk to school as I tugged at the shorts to keep them from riding up too high on the insides of my thighs (We've all seen that or experience that horror show right? Gals with bigger thighs that rub together and the shorts get caught and ride up and up and up till they are all bunched and look and feel HORRIBLE)
I started thinking about my legs and how I've been pushing them so hard lately and how the muscle definition is starting to come back. 

I decided that today was going to be a chance to make a change. Today I was going to show off the one part of my body I hate more than any other. Today I was going to force myself to be uncomfortable and vulnerable.

I needed to learn to accept and love my legs since they were going to be with me for a long time.

So I went to school, dropped the kids off, walked to Boot Camp, got my ass handed to me in Boot Camp, walked home again and I'm getting ready now to go and get my nails done. As much as I want to take these shorts off, I'm not going to.

Consider it exposure therapy.
By the end of today I'm hoping to feel a little less hateful of my gams and a little more comfortable in these shorts.
I'll update you tomorrow...

1 comment:

sassy said...

Your legs look strong and powerful! Also, the fact that you have an Audrey Hepburn zombie tshirt makes me swoon.